Posts Tagged ‘puddles’

2day and art internet feelings

June 4, 2008

Well too day

2 day it twas pretty SLEEPY-ing

exhausting

today i am was.. am ..still are.. well till june 7th … in Massachusetts.

Today it was 80 degrees it was really HOT !

how original am i … tying the word HOT ! …in red… i should be beaten with a bamboo pole for that !

its still HOT ! out but the crickets and peep frogs are out and i love them ! Thats something i just dont get when im in NYC or L.A ..mmm

did i mention i completely and utterly fell in love with NYC ? love … love … love its amazing there.

i cant wait to go back but june 7th i will be going to L.A .

i am trying to save up money for a new back procedure for my scoliosis …

YOU KNOW WHAT ABSOLUTELY SUHCUKS about having scoli ?

the fact that…not only is it really painful … and it makes me crooked…and i cant breath well … and i cant walk or run far… and my body is numb in the weirdest places … and i get depressed sometimes and im …semi embarrassed by it ….

BUT the fact that they dont know what causes it and i have been through so many procedures trying to fix it and none really have worked.

PLUS the insurance company almost never covers any other type of scoliosis treatment except for the brutal surgery because mainly all the other treatments are experimental or new.

i guess if you have to chose to give money to the charity for people that are dying from cancer and people with messed up spines… your going to choose the little kid who is dying from cancer.

understood …

regardless…

i feel like a completely normal person

and i am treated like a completely normal person … but im not … i hide it well

i think that makes me situation even harder… because its so hidden.

regardless this new procedure is called CLEAR its the CLEAR institute for scoliosis …

i have NO IDEA how in the world i am or will be able to afford this treatment but i am going to work really hard to try …

i had pizza today for dinner

i sat with my mom in the living room tonight, it was nice she sat on her computer i sat on mine.

my mom enjoys surfing the web for those dumb youtube type videos… shes more “hip” then i am … i have no idea what totally LAME overrated video has gone viral every week but she knows..

i feel bad when i get snappy at her because i just dont care and dont want to hear about it.

but i cant help it … i need to shelter myself as much as i can from this online world and yet i need to stay and be such a big part of it i guess.

Now with online video everyone has such strong opinions everyone has a huge voice … and it seems everyone is trying to be amazingly spectacular and its just to overwhelming for me…

one minute i might think one thing

…and then 3 minutes and another click later … i am swayed by the opinion of someone else… saying this is better or dont do that.. or this person sucks… or this online gadget is better… or this is really how to make an online video and this is how you make it popular…

i REALLY REALLY only care about making good videos…when did it happen that all of a sudden numbers and popularity became more important than… making a good…anything ?

eeeeee

its always in the back of everyones mind…

difference is … when i first started… i had no idea at all it could happen and if it never did i couldnt have cared i couldnt have lost a second of sleep over it..

then all of a sudden it happened … people started caring about me…watching and listening to me … and then all of a sudden numbers mattered .. when they never had before.

All of a sudden i couldnt say exactly what i was thinking anymore because i started making enemies who wanted what i had which was ironically something i never even knew i wanted in the first place.

All i want is to be able to look at something and …feel …. i want to be able to use my imagination because i am inspired to use it … not because money or numbers inspired me to use it.

THE IRONIC TWIST !

dun dun dun …. .

the only way i can live a happy free life …outside of an office building and allow myself to be free yet to also make an income is to in some way continue what i am doing now.

i will figure it out.

i must say i am in MUCH better shape than i was even a few months ago.

my hardest problem….

keeping away from the dumb stuff on the internet i dont care about…

not reading the “success stories” of these people online who have media deals and such …or watching next weeks popular viral panda pooing hit of the week .

Its bitter curiosity to that is the only thing that brings me to click those links or watch those videos…

i am not those people i never wanted to be those people…

i used to be the girl who sat alone all the time and was a total outsider and was fine with that.

i had me and my imagination

if that girl had to pick me out of a crowd today she would not recognize me as herself.

its a good things in some ways and in others not so much.

i have learned however my BIGGEST mistake thus far has been ….

working with people and doing projects ONLY because the money was good … and then pretending i enjoyed the projects while making them.

david letterman is interviewing some red headed actress i forget her name…but o well …time for bed. i will go relax now … and i will shut down my computer before bed because its the HEALTHY thing to do … for both of us . The internet is good…but only GREAT things are GREAT when used with extreme care and moderation !!!

gnight Brooke for you will be the only one to read this for a long time…till some crazy person who knows everything about me stumbles upon this (stalker) or .. a randomer who maybe perhaps i am meant to marry one day . Is it fate !?! i think not…

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